Road.

Sometimes everything can seem to be lining up and making so much sense, and it's just not right because God isn't there. Other times something makes no sense at all and God is saying, yes! yes! come, I am here!

Sometimes I am super passionate about a certain idea or an aspect of God, or I think I see what he's up to, and then a few weeks or months or years later I'm all excited because I see a new aspect of things, and it's totally different than what I previously saw.

I am seeing that this is what its like to walk with God. I am seeing that there is no consistency except in who he is and his continual nearness. I am seeing that life is so much more about learning what it feels like to be near to God, to hear Him speaking, to obey Him, and so much less about getting everything right.

It is so much more about a continual conversation with God, and so much less about approaching him with questions and walking away with all the answers.

And this is reflected in the nature of life. I have to keep going back to him, because it's a process of discovery. I go to him with my questions and my longings and my hurts and I have to keep coming back because he doesn't give me all the answers in one fell swoop.

The mystery that is life, this journey of discovery that we are all on, is rigged, in the best possible sense...we need Him. Always.

noise.

I play music on my car stereo while I'm driving. I play music on my laptop when I'm at home. I play music on my ipod while I'm working out. When none of these things are available, I'm usually singing (whether out loud or not depends on the company). It seems I always have a song playing in my head.

Music is wonderful, there's no question about that. But between the music that is my continual background noise, the movies I watch from time to time, the books I read, the sermons I listen to, even the people I talk to...a few days ago it felt like it all kind of crescendoed (pun-y...ha).

I felt like there was so much noise in my head that I couldn't hear myself. It was like I didn't know which thoughts were mine--and along with that what God was speaking to me--and which ones I had just picked up along the way. I got this picture in my head of my long-haired cat when he comes into the house after being outside: his belly fur pretty much touches the ground, so it's always collecting leaves and such. He doesn't notice.

So I cut it all out. Silenced it all. Pulled the leaves out of my belly fur (ok, not quite...ha). But I'm taking some "quiet time". A few days, a week...however long it takes to curb my compulsion to fill every moment of silence with some type of noise, to usher in peace and quiet and the ability to be still and listen.

I feel like the root issue with all this is that of being honest about who I am. The continual flowing in of external thoughts and opinions and noise drowns my true self. It seems these things are usually brought to my attention because of a circumstantial shift. I think when you are drawn into and challenged to fill a new role, be it communally or academically or familially or whatever really, it requires a bit of inner wrestling. Wrestling through how you fit into that new role is also a question of how that role fits into who you are.

Wellll don't really know how I ended up there. Music...cat...wrestling...what?
But I have to say, I have had a delightfully silent afternoon :)

Altercations.

Last April, I went shopping with some birthday money. I don't really remember what all I bought--a few shirts at least. Irrelevant. Point being, I didn't like it. 

Sure, shopping is kinda fun. But then a few days or weeks down the road, the new stuff loses its fun newness and I just have more stuff and less money. Around that time (the time the fun had faded), I was also becoming more aware of some of the awful things that take place in order for clothes to become available to American consumers. We were talking about it in my Sociology class, I had read The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne...basically I just couldn't stop thinking about terrible working conditions of third-world children, and how much perfectly usable (if ugly and outdated) clothing already exists in the world. Pretty much, I concluded that I could not in good conscious buy new clothes. I came to see it as nothing more than the perpetuation of an unnecessary and extremely harmful system. 

(And this is not even touching on the damage consumerism is doing to the consumers! Eh, another soapbox, another day...)

Anyways, as much as I'd like to say that ever since that day, every dime I've spent has gone only toward sustainable companies with ethical practices. I can't say that...but I CAN say that things are different now. I have bought less new clothing this year than...like...EVER. Instead, whenever I can I've been buying stuff at thrift stores or yard sales or raiding my family's closets (I mentioned ugly and outdated...haha, I kid I kid). But here's the fun part: altering it so it's no longer ugly and outdated! In my opinion anyways, I suppose that's debatable ;). But in all honesty, never before have I so enjoyed sewing, or been so thankful for having grown up with a seamstress mama. 

And, I got a dress form for Christmas, and a book to enhance my pattern-making skills, so basically I'm taking this thing to the next level. Hahaha...but seriously, gone are the days of alterations by trial and error; this involves pinning where the article of clothing needs to be takin in while I'm wearing it. Now I just need to assemble it...and give her a name, obvi.

Also, there's something about creating that is just flat-out good for my soul. I hope this next statement isn't too far of a leap off track, but it totally connects in my mind: God created His children to worship Him and experience Him in such unique and...well, creative ways. That's all I got right now...maybe I can run with that thought another day.

Plus, tune in next week to hear about why I hate microwaves!!!!!

Just kidding.

Maybe.

As the Lord leads ;) ha.

joy.

Ok. So it's been a while, and this may just be the 'scraps' that I can pull together right now...I've spent like 20 hours this weekend studying/writing papers (yes I counted...ohh, finals...), so I may be pretty well spent as far as coherent thinking goes. But this is good for me. 


(Shoot. I promised myself I would never start a blog with a 'disclaimer'.....it feels like I'm essentially saying "sorry if this sucks"....eh, just this once ;) forgive me?)


God told me this today (in my kitchen, if that matters!): Your joy makes a difference. Ah...I will try to convey how huge this is.


It had been a little while since I've been in that place of worship and prayer where I am unhindered and undiscouraged and undistracted, and the Lord just pours out the joy of His presence...and I was starting to really miss it. 


Another piece of this is that lately I'd been feeling like the words He's spoken to me, that were filled with such power and depth and significance at the time they were given, are distant. It's almost as if once the newness and excitement of revelation wears off, it's easy to forget the weight of His promises. 


But He is so good. It's like with the smallest movement on my part in His general direction, He comes rushing toward me in all His love, like He was just waiting for my eyes to be on Him. 


It's like someone flipped a switch. I've been reminding myself of His promises, and thanking Him for His word, and asking Him to breathe new life into those promises, those words. And today, He showed me something huge...and not really what I was expecting.


I think it would be easy to focus on joy as a feeling. Which, joy is an emotion, and humans are emotional creatures, and that is not a bad thing. Our God wants to engage our whole person, including at an emotional level. But more than that, why joy is significant and such a blessing is because of the context of it--it comes from HIM! It comes with an encounter. It infuses my heart with gratefulness for who He is and what He's done. It changes my perspective from one of striving to one of thanking. 


Ah! So not only does joy just flat out feel good, it is swollen with purpose. It is a means by which thankfulness is evoked in me. It turns the eyes of my heart to my savior.


What's more, and here's what I feel to be the main part of this revelation, my joy holds purpose for the people around me. The people in my life are infected with my joy, and when my joy is stolen, it robs from others as well. And I don't think what the Lord meant by this is some surface-y, cheesy, "smiling-is-contagious" fluffy, happy thing. I think it's a lot deeper and weightier than that. Maybe I'll be able to expand on that later...


But for now, to the people in my life: because I love you deeply and my Jesus does even more so, I 


choose 


joy.


And please forgive me for when I have not. 


Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him. - Proverbs 30:6

less.

This week I had to register for classes for spring semester. So stressful--trying to figure out which classes to take, how many I need to take, how to balance that with what I want/don't want to take.

Basically, here's what it came down to: take more credits because I feel like I should and my friends are and maybe later it will pay off OR take less credits because more feels overwhelming.

I went with the "less" option.

I suppose it's all about priorities. Yes, school is a priority right now when it comes to how my time is structured. My main priority, even. But I decided on less credits because, the way my wise, wonderful Mama put it, "Making space is a very holy thing."

See, I could throw myself entirely into school, get perfect grades, take a huge class load, and be very successful in my academic endeavors.

...At the expense of nearly everything else.

Or, I could give myself some holy space. Intentionally leave room for the things that are my true and lasting priorities. Because the Jesus who loves me has called me to a life centered around relationship with him. Which means time with him, and flowing from that is time with other people, time to create, time to rest, time to just enjoy.

So I slid out from under the guilt that plagues someone who puts unrealistic and unhealthy expectations on herself (who, me???) and chose

less.

(And quite honestly, I'm pretty happy about it!)

feed me.

Food is one of my favorite things on the planet. But not just any food...really specific food, the kind that makes me feel good and gives me energy and keeps me healthy. For whatever reason, it would seem that God has made me one of the most sensitive people I know when it comes to what I eat. At times it feels like walking on the edge of a precipice...one misplaced step and it's an all-out landslide. 

Another thing I've found is that the effects of food are not just physical. When I'm eating well, eating in the way that I know makes me feel good, I am more even-keeled emotionally; I am clear mentally; I do better academically; I am more social. And, it is easier to stay focused spiritually--to be tuned in to what the Lord is saying to me and what's going on in my heart. 

It's all so connected. 

Here's where it gets hard. I don't think it's just a straight-forward, cause-and-effect type of deal. I don't think it's a matter of "I'm doing great spiritually-emotionally-mentally, so I'm eating well" (even though that's often the case). Nor is it "I'm eating well, so I'm also doing great spiritually-emotionally-mentally" (even though that's also true at times).

In addition to being so connected, it feels so complicated. 

However, seeing this connection and having experienced what it's like when it all just clicks--listening to my body, eating what it likes, staying away from what it doesn't--IT IS SO WORTH IT. There are so many factors in every day life that contribute to where I'm at emotionally and spiritually. This is one that is in my control. I can choose to remove the "eating crap that messes with my body" factor from the equation that adds up to my health (mind&body&spirit). 

This could easily become one of those things in my life where I expect perfection from myself. Where I beat myself up when (not if, but when!) I fail. And there have been times where it has definitely been a struggle with perfectionism and discouragement and guilt.

But the way I see it now: the fact that eating well is even a struggle is evidence of the fallenness of this world. Within that framework, it is purely God in his goodness who has shown me these things--reminded me that He designed my body, and He designed it to operate a certain way. That my body is a temple for His Spirit, and when I care for it He can better do His work. All of this must be viewed through the lens of His love for me, His goodness towards me! Anything else will leave me disillusioned and utterly discouraged. 

Just some thoughts...who knew eating was such a huge deal? And I don't think I'm alone in this...

grace.

The morning routine I established over the summer included having breakfast and spending time with Jesus on our screened-in back porch. I found that being outside helps me to quiet my heart and my mind and start the day off just enjoying God's presence and his word. It helps to be away from the distractions of everything else I could be doing inside, away from my noisy family (whom I love!), and where I can enjoy the trees and the sky and the fresh air.

Needless to say, it's getting colder. Now I sit outside on our screened-in back porch with hot tea, a down comforter, and a space heater. I will not quickly surrender my spot!

Today during my showdown with the morning chill, God gave me these words: My grace is for today. 

Simple, but significant. 

I am finding that my faith in Jesus, though founded on a past commitment, is not solely informed by the past. It is alive and real in the present! It's not that every day is an easy, happy, walk in the park. But each day is swollen with the presence of my Lord, with his joy, with his goodness towards and love for me. This is a reality that was once a blurry, distant speck in my vision, but is now bursting with clarity and vibrance...and living in this reality changes everything.

And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep. 

--Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five